Sunday, August 06, 2006

I Fought the Lawn and

I kicked its ass.

I murdered innocent blades of grass for an hour. Then I got out the weed whacker and slaughtered the survivors. That only increased my desire to kill.

I decided to prune the shrubs.

I borrowed the neighbors' pruning shears. Coming home, I missed a step down their stairway and ended up with major road rash (stair rash?) on my left knee. Curt Schilling isn't the only Bostonian with a bloody sock, damn it. Blood just brought on... blood lust. Like a feeding frenzy for herbivores.

I pruned the shrubs. To put it another way: They no longer exist. They're a couple of gnarled stumps by my front steps, just in time for the house painters to work their magic. (I'm going to cremate the remains of the shrubbery in my new fire pit, a gift from The Saint.)

Even with the shrubs gone, I wasn't done killing. Turns out, when my neighbors made a trip to Home Depot a month ago, they bought me some weed killer. Long story there, but I'd requested it, they'd purchased it, and we'd both forgotten about it. After watching me slaying plants with various blades in the heat, the neighbors remembered that chemical weapons were also available. I used almost an entire bottle of Round-Up. Some of the weeds are already starting to wilt.

After three hours in the sun, I felt like Hemingway in the cheap seats at a bullfight... and wow, is that Sangria going down cold right now or what?

I almost, almost forgot how much I hate yard work.


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Blogger Kelly said...

*doing the dance of happines* another convert to the take out your stress on the lawn. Or whatever you want to call it!

PS Killer Sangria!

9:32 PM, August 06, 2006  
Anonymous BarBarA said...

This was GREAT fun to read!!! I do feel very sorry for your lawn though...

9:49 PM, August 06, 2006  
Blogger Adam Hurtubise said...


The sangria was a great painkiller last night.

Barbara... don't feel bad for my lawn. It looks much better now.


8:45 AM, August 07, 2006  
Blogger Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Um, getting ready to write your next thriller, Adam?

2:32 PM, August 07, 2006  
Anonymous Best Man and Godfather (BMAG) said...

I'm amazed at how much you hate yard work. Do you imagine each individual blade of grass as a different Republican to be eliminated or do you just see the mass of lawn as one big GOP convention to be nuked?

Who thought you could make yardwork political right?

3:02 PM, August 07, 2006  
Blogger Adam Hurtubise said...


Writing it now.


I do whatever it takes to get the lawn clean.

3:13 PM, August 07, 2006  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

Hey, instead of Roundup, try plain white vinegar. I swear by the stuff. Very cheap. ;)

Also? Sangria always makes yardwork more palatable.

12:07 AM, August 09, 2006  
Blogger Adam Hurtubise said...

Excellent points, Jess. Especially about the Sangria.


9:07 AM, August 09, 2006  
Blogger M. G. Tarquini said...

Round up works when diluted properly. It takes a few days, but those weeds end up just as dead.

4:17 PM, August 09, 2006  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

You busy next weekend? Perhaps maiming my catclaw and severing a few limbs off of my mutant prickly pear cactus would give your next lawn thriller that exotic location it needs.

10:12 AM, August 13, 2006  
Blogger Adam Hurtubise said...

Elizabeth, Let's see.


In August...

I think I'll deny myself that pleasure.

I'd like to try a place where things don't grow.


10:28 AM, August 13, 2006  

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